The Death Card

In a Tarot deck there is a card called the death card.  It is really ugly and frightening looking and most people assume that it means that someone is going to die.

On the contrary, it means that an old way of life, old habits etc. are dying and something new is forming from that.  Usually that something new is positive.

I have a beautiful daughter that is struggling with some pretty serious issues right now.

I made the very difficult choice to remove her from college in Boston and get her the help I feel she needs.

It was a tough weekend.  My child was not particularly present even though she was physically there.

I cried a lot.

Flying home on the plane yesterday, with my childs head resting in my lap all snuggled up in the blanket that her Auntie made her, I was reminded of happier times when she was a baby and would lie snuggled into me just the way she was at that moment. 

She was happy then and full of life.  She'd reach her arms out for me to pick her up and she would smell like everything beautiful and hopeful in the world.

All that has changed these past few years and I find myself looking into a vacant face struggling very hard to feel nothing.  This is not a phase of teenage angst she's going through, it's a huge red flag waving in front of my face. 

So today I turn her over to God and trust that she is in the proper place with people who can help her with her problems.

I'll be honest and tell you that I am so consumed with fear for her.  I don't know if she's going to be ok and for a Mother/Parent I think this is the worst feeling in the world.

This brings me back to the mention of the death card.

I see an old way of life for both of us ending and a pin prick of a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am now in the position of letting go with love and focusing on sweeping my side of the street and taking care of myself.  Something which I have not been too good at for quite a while now.

I guess I'm feeling that i must find a rainbow here or it would all be for nothing.  I want to connect with my God and learn the lessons that are in front of me and keep moving forward in love and lightness.

If you have a quiet moment today, please send up a prayer for my daughter.

Count your blessings today, for they are many.  Hug your child and tell the people that matter to you most how important they are in your lives.

With Love,

Linder