My Michael Keaton moment...

I realize that I originally intended to use this blog to document the remodeling process of our new (old victorian) home in Evanston but that's going kind of slow as is the business of being a weekend wife, so today I'm going to tell you a little story.  A story I call my Michael Keaton moment.

Now for those who know me well, you would know that I'm pretty smitten with the likes of Michael Keaton.  There is something about a man with beautiful lips, gorgeous eyes and a yummy sense of humor that just kind of does it for me, you know? 

The first time he captured my attention, I was in the gym, on the treadmill reading some random 3 month old crap magazine that gyms and doctors offices certainly must cycle back and forth to each other.  ANYWAY I flip to an article on Michael Keaton...he's in a bubble bath and he's laughing.

That was the hook.  Pure unadulterated lust struck me.

That was in Washington State.

Fast forward several years and I'm living in L.A. working in the homes of the rich and famous.

I'm in my 30's, I have a pretty hourglass figure and hair down past my butt that I normally wear in one long braid. 

I get off work one day near a Malibu-ish little burb and I am begging.  I mean my day has been for shit and I'm crying when I get in my silver Chevy Lumina van (that's right, I was seriously styling back then) and I head for home.

I'm crying, driving with one hand, pulling the braid in my hair loose with the other and I glance over to my right and here is this handsome, handsome man on a bike.

I look at him and have this very clear thought " I want a man like that." 

He was dressed nicely and was sun kissed and he just was sheer yumminess.  The kind of yummy that grabs at you and whispers "Oh my!"

He stepped off his bike, looked straight at me, and smiled.  I smiled back.  He slid his sunglasses up his forehead just as I was driving past him.  And we were just smiling at each other.  Just a moment.

And then I thought, Sweet Jesus, that was Michael Keaton!

I slammed on my brakes...paused...looked in the rear view mirror. 

He was still there.

And I...paused again...and then kept driving.

I got scared!  What was I going to say?  I still had tears on my face for pity sakes!

It was a lovely, lovely moment.  My moment.

I never met him but came very close several times. 

I think I gave up when a co-worker of mine,  ironically, Michael's best friend, told me he would not introduce me because Michael only liked skinny girls.  He wouldn't like me, he said, I would just end up getting hurt.

In retrospect, I wonder if it ever occurred to that jackass that telling me that I was fat (btw, I weighed about 135 then) was a hateful and hurtful thing.  ugh.

I wonder every now and again if that lovely little moment on the street resonated with him as much as it did with me?  Maybe, possibly, perhaps.

I hope so.

The truth is that on a day when I felt very little love, a random person smiled at me and my world brightened a bit.  Regardless of who that was, it was so needed and I will always be grateful!

It's my birthday!

Today I am 50 years old!  Wow.  How did that happen?

Seems like yesterday when I was hanging out with my friends at Newport High School in the smoking area moaning about the hideous teddy bear coat that I wanted in 4th grade and my darling mother finally bought me in high school!

The things we suffer!  LOL!

Today I'm going to pick up my new glasses and hope that I can see out of them perfectly!  I'm going to buy a few Illinois state lottery tickets and I'm going to count every blessing in my life.

Not sure what I'm doing for the rest of the day but I'll figure it out as I go along.

Love,

Linder

Generation "ME"

In talking about our children who are in the age group of around 18 to 22 ish years of age, I've found out recently that they are tagged "Generation Me".  How appropriate is that?

I have been in touch with several friends and a few strangers here who have visited my blog and all of us have one thing in common.  Children who have no living or coping skills.

How did this happen?  It's not an isolated incident.  It seems that every parent that I talk to is having issues with their child.  They won't get a job or can't keep one.  They are disconnected from the realities of the world and beg to be saved on a regular basis.

I look back on my parenting and I wonder what I could have done differently. 

I heard a saying yesterday that went something like this "We can't move froward if we're looking in the rear view mirror".  Ouch.  I'm guilty of this especially right now.

If I could turn back the clock and do it all over again, I think I would have given my daughter more responsibility and taught her about money management.  I would have encouraged her to be accountable for her actions and to take responsibility for herself.

Having said this, I think that I have been very present and that I have given my child a shiny box of tools for her to use in her life.  But as a wise man once said "Just because you have a lot of tools, doesn't make you a carpenter"!  In other words you have to use them for them to work.  sigh.

I am trying desperately NOT to reside in morbid reflection.  Everything is as it should be in spite of the pain that it elicits.

So the best i can do today is to pray for God's will and not mine.  And ask for the grace to be quiet.  To reside in love and to move forward.

"We do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."

As I said yesterday, I have a magical opportunity in front of me.  Am I brave enough to take it?  Can I put my big girl panties on today and utilize some of those shiny tools I have?

I think so. 

Hopefully this will not turn into "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride"!

Here's hoping our day is filled with unexpected abundance and the presence to say thank you when it comes!

With Love,

Linder

The Day after.

Good Morning!

The sun is shining and although I had a hideous night last night, full of worry, anger and general angst...it is a new day today.  I can make it whatever I want and today I choose to fill my day with love and hope.  For my daughter but mostly for myself.

I cannot be of service to anyone least of all myself if I do not cherish myself and take the opportunity i have in front of me to grow and change.

I'm going to get quiet with that thought today and all it entails.  I'll write more later if the clarity comes.

In the meantime, I want to thank all of you who left such lovely, supportive comments yesterday.  I welcome you in this journey.  Perhaps we can share our experience, strength and hope together.

I wish us all a day of blessings!

Much Love,

Linder

The Death Card

In a Tarot deck there is a card called the death card.  It is really ugly and frightening looking and most people assume that it means that someone is going to die.

On the contrary, it means that an old way of life, old habits etc. are dying and something new is forming from that.  Usually that something new is positive.

I have a beautiful daughter that is struggling with some pretty serious issues right now.

I made the very difficult choice to remove her from college in Boston and get her the help I feel she needs.

It was a tough weekend.  My child was not particularly present even though she was physically there.

I cried a lot.

Flying home on the plane yesterday, with my childs head resting in my lap all snuggled up in the blanket that her Auntie made her, I was reminded of happier times when she was a baby and would lie snuggled into me just the way she was at that moment. 

She was happy then and full of life.  She'd reach her arms out for me to pick her up and she would smell like everything beautiful and hopeful in the world.

All that has changed these past few years and I find myself looking into a vacant face struggling very hard to feel nothing.  This is not a phase of teenage angst she's going through, it's a huge red flag waving in front of my face. 

So today I turn her over to God and trust that she is in the proper place with people who can help her with her problems.

I'll be honest and tell you that I am so consumed with fear for her.  I don't know if she's going to be ok and for a Mother/Parent I think this is the worst feeling in the world.

This brings me back to the mention of the death card.

I see an old way of life for both of us ending and a pin prick of a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am now in the position of letting go with love and focusing on sweeping my side of the street and taking care of myself.  Something which I have not been too good at for quite a while now.

I guess I'm feeling that i must find a rainbow here or it would all be for nothing.  I want to connect with my God and learn the lessons that are in front of me and keep moving forward in love and lightness.

If you have a quiet moment today, please send up a prayer for my daughter.

Count your blessings today, for they are many.  Hug your child and tell the people that matter to you most how important they are in your lives.

With Love,

Linder

A few of my favorite things...

Hello all, Happy New Year!

Yesterday was a sad day.  The day that comes every year when you know you must put away the Christmas decorations.  Before I close up the boxes, I want to share some of my favorites with you...enjoy!

 These candles are from my sister Dana.  So Cool!

The 3 wise men were my Mothers.  I grew up with these in our house.  The little tree to the left is a creation from my daughter Elora.  I think she was about 4 yrs. old when she made this for me!  Those are the best gifts of all.

 Another Elora original.

These cuties are new this year, aren't they adorable!?

So now it's time to lovingly wrap my treasures up and put them away for another year.

Here's to a prosperous and Happy 2010!

Much Love,

Linder

Happy Dog!

This is the face of a very happy dog!

Hey Everyone!

Just a quick note to say that Christmas 2009 was a lovely success.  Dan and I chose to have a quiet day at home doing a lot of "nuthin'"  which for us was perfection!

I heard someone say the other day that the key to a happy, successful life is to find the calm in the midst of the storm.

Easier said than done sometimes but this is what we strived for on Christmas day.

There were lots of phone calls to family to connect and plenty of quiet moments for hugs, naps, walks in the snow with the puppy up above as well as some quality eating and watching some movies.

I am happy to report that I wouldn't have changed much.

We had a big snowstorm dumping about 6-8 inches in the Chicagoland area.  It was really beautiful and added to the serenity that surrounded our days off.

I hope all of your travels got you to where you were going, safe and sound and I especially hope that your holidays have been happy and stress free!

The pretty brunette is my good friend Jeri who's here for a visit and braved a snowstorm just to come and play with us!

Hmmm, not my best picture.  I'm wondering what was going on with my glasses!  Yikes.

Much Love,

Linder